Mysteries

Lately I’ve been binge watching House, a medical show from the early 2000s that centers around an unconventional medical doctor bent on solving puzzling medical mysteries. You would think the last think I might want to watch are medical shows, but it genuinely satisfies my detective nature and gives me a little peace of mind to see medical problems wrapped up in a nice neat bow. 

I find myself once again in a puzzle. I spoke with my oncologist this evening and we discussed the results of the CT scan. He was also quite surprised and truly had no explanation for the mass and its disappearance. He consulted with the thoracic surgeon and the breast surgeon. Without having a biopsy, there is no way to know what the mass actually was…speculation includes a thymoma that responded to the chemo, thymic carcinoma or thymic cancer, or perhaps even metastatic breast cancer, although the oncologist said it would be unlikely for breast cancer to spread to the mediastinum before spreading to other nearby common areas first, such as the lungs or liver. Therefore they agreed that my breast surgeon would present my case in their weekly conference this Friday. This is the second time my case is being presented in less than six months! Sounds like a case for Dr. House!

So I sit here and work on a 2000 piece puzzle…to keep my mind busy, to try and make sense of my thoughts and feelings, hoping to solve something, to be assured of something. Every time I put a piece in the right place, there is a satisfaction that I’m figuring something out, even if it’s only temporary, for a puzzle, and life somehow feels like it’s falling into place instead of falling apart. You don’t want to hear “we don’t know what this is, we don’t understand why” and you don’t want to hear those words “metastatic breast cancer, stage four” either. Your heart sinks, your life and all your choices flash before you, your cautious optimism is confirmed, and you hear that imaginary clock ticking away, ripping everything you love out of your hands.

I sit here with a puzzle wishing I could solve something, but also knowing that these real life things are out of my control.