Recovery Day 2

I spent this second recovery day resting and eating. Believe it or not, my taste buds haven’t fully returned and some food still tastes a little off. The effects of chemo still linger, like in my taste and some eye twitching as well. 

I felt much more throbbing pain today and even got a headache from the radiating pain up into my neck and shoulder. I called my breast surgeon this morning because under my arm I have no feeling, just numbness, sort of like your lips feel after the novocaine at the dentist.  She said this is perfectly normal, the nerves get stretched out during the procedure, but it will resolve itself. I hope so, it’s very strange not to be able to feel your own arm. 

I didn’t take any pain relievers today because I wanted to see how much the pain ramps up, and to give my liver a short break. I will take some tonight to help me sleep comfortably. I continue to ice my wounds and pray for a safe and healthy recovery. Some pet therapy, some good food, and lots of rest. I’m meeting all my goals! 

Recovery Day 1

What a lovely night’s sleep! I slept though the night with no issues. Sleep is so important for recovery and healing.

I had a light breakfast and then later in the morning my aunt came to visit me. She’s like a second mother to me and has a team of prayer warriors praying in my behalf in her churches and in Puerto Rico as well. 

I stayed in my pajamas all day with the intention of resting. I started to feel a real ache once the hospital meds wore off. My arm has some numbness to it that I’m hoping will resolve soon. I can’t shower yet but I washed up and got back into my pajamas. I took stock of my bandages, I can’t wait to see what it looks like underneath, but I won’t find out until next week when I have my follow up appointment with the breast surgeon. She told me she did one long incision. By the way, she tagged me, too. Those are her initials so she knows I’m her patient. Cool. 

Overall it was a good day. We celebrated my mother’s birthday today with some ramen, rice, and chocolate cake

Now I’m back in my chair, ready for more good, healing sleep. Fingers crossed. 

Lumpectomy

I began my day with a devotional and I couldn’t believe how well-timed it was…

Let your body, mind, and spirit relax in my Presence. Release into My care anything that is troubling you…

Yes. Ok. 

I had to be at the hospital for 7:45, so one last photo with my precious children.

I could have one person with me, and for me that’s always my mom. I am always so grateful that my mother gets to be with me. I know she was so worried and scared for me, but ironically there’s also a reassurance in that for me. I’ll never forget, my mother was with me when I labored with Eviana. I began on a Monday evening and she stayed the night with me while I threw up nine times! Eviana didn’t arrive until 9 pm the next evening, and when she finally arrived, I was so relieved and high from the adrenaline. My mother held the baby and looked at me with real fear in her eyes because I was bleeding excessively. I reassured her that I felt fine and everything was alright. I wanted to reassure her again today that everything would be alright. It made me feel calm too. 

The before photo, dressed for the party. 

This party even had cups. This was a hard part - I had to first go into radiology where they ripped my breast away from my chest wall and smashed it in the mammogram machine! They had to do that twice while the radiologist stuck me with a bunch of needles. That was to mark the calcifications. Then he used the ultrasound machine to find the two lumps (titanium clips) and stuck me with needles of lidocaine outside and inside, and then inserted wires! You can see one of the cups says 15cm wire, that’s almost 6 inches! After that he injected me with a blue dye to reach the sentinel lymph nodes, so when the surgeon opened me up, she could take a small sample of the lymph nodes and send them for a quick pathology and decide whether or not to remove them. Then they taped paper cups on me to prevent sticking my arm with the wires! The stuff we have to go through (palm face emoji)!

Shortly after this I was wheeled into surgery. They gave me a bunch of pain killers and even a motion sickness patch before the pre-anesthesia. By the time I got to the operating room, I was already almost gone. I saw them adjust the lights and I was out. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. That was over 3 1/2 hours later! The first thing I did when I woke up was cry, I cried happy tears that I made it!!

Unfortunately they did not have a room to move me to when I recovered so I was delayed in returning back to my family. I didn’t make it home until 4:30. 

Once I was home (all woozy from the meds and anesthesia) I ate! Eating was a little tough, as my throat was still sore, evidently from the tube that was down my throat during surgery. My throat had trouble adjusting to which way to send the food, so I had trouble swallowing. 

I got myself into my new pajamas after examining my dressings, and moved into my new space. I have a recliner set up for sleeping alongside my iPad, books, and random other supplies. 

I got a call this evening from the breast surgeon. She was checking up on me to see how I was feeling and said she made one long incision to take out the lump areas and the calcifications. She also sent a piece of the lymph node out to pathology and it was clean - no cancer! Yippee! So no lymph nodes were removed!

I sit here with my ice pack, relieved that it’s over. I was so scared of the surgery, and now it’s over. I was afraid of the anesthesia and now it’s over. I’m so happy to be alive! Now I can get some rest and pray for another day!

Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts sent my way! I needed them so much and they kept me calm and ready to face this major challenge. I praise you before our God for your faithfulness and love! 

Preparation Day

I spent my time doing the usual Sunday business and stuff you might do before going to the hospital, like food shopping, cleaning the house, washing my hair, and shaving my legs. I even spent this morning finishing the Lego village. But I also spent time doing some other important things, like spending valuable time with the family, thinking about end of life, and admiring the body part that betrayed me. 

For the end of life part, I came across this wonderful resource called Five Wishes. It’s a clearly communicated document that guides you through your end of life wishes (also known as an advance directive). I don’t obviously want to consider this, as most people don’t, but I have to be realistic and don’t want to leave my loved ones without any guidance on how to care for me in the worst case scenario. 

As far as my body…well, it won’t look like this after tomorrow, so this is a before photo, a “why did you have to get cancer” beauty shot, an “it’s just a body part” portrait. Apologies if the photo is too revealing for you. This is the real me, this blog has been the real me, pouring out my heart and letting you into my world and all that’s been happening in and around me. My body has gone through a lot so far, and tomorrow is just another piece in this puzzle. 

I am calm. I’m not sure why. I just keep praying for peace, for safety, for health, and for life. I am anointed and blessed. Your thoughts and prayers hold me up, for that I am eternally grateful. 

“The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord cause His face to shine on you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His face to you, And give you peace.’”

‭‭Numbers‬ ‭6‬:‭24‬-‭26‬

“The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in need. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For the sake of His name. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Certainly goodness and faithfulness will follow me all the days of my life, And my dwelling will be in the house of the Lord forever.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭1‬-‭6‬

The Lord is my Shepherd you can listen here for a song from one of my favorite albums. 

Traditions

Every year we decorate for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. I was a little slower than usual, but we finally got the decorations up and the house feels festive. 

We also spent time on our other yearly tradition - building a holiday Lego village. We have a new set this year to add to the other three! 

I didn’t spend any time thinking about the surgery, even though my breast surgeon called me yesterday. She said that although the major chest surgery won’t happen, we should still move forward with the lumpectomy and I can follow up later with the thoracic surgeon and my oncologist to figure out next steps with this “mass” and while no one knows what it means or what can be done about it, I can at least take steps to get over the breast cancer part. 

So today I just enjoyed the day. Tomorrow will be the real preparation.

Post Turkey Day

Actually we didn’t eat any turkey on Thanksgiving. I had tofu, so let’s call it post-tofu day. 

I had to get a Covid test this morning prior to my surgery on Monday. I also got blood work done as well. Then it was back home to isolate and I took that quite seriously. I didn’t leave the house at all. And while I intended to decorate for Christmas, I was consumed with finishing the puzzle. It took us 23 days but we finally finished it! 

While the puzzle was a major challenge, I find myself this evening thinking about an even greater challenge - parenting. Every stage is different: the infant/toddler stage requires 24 attention. As they grow older, it gets easier, they require less supervision. And then something happens. They start to isolate and do their own thing (for the boy, it’s video games; for the girl, it’s watching videos), and the parenting gets harder again. Everything becomes a chore, literally. Wash your dish, feed the cats, do your laundry, put away your laundry, read a book, wear a jacket, go for a walk…we’re no longer the voice of love and affection but more like taskmasters, and the prisoners don’t really appreciate that. 

It’s harder when you’re sick and have to take a time out. Tweens take advantage of that and go into hiding for extended periods of time. But even when you’re not sick and nursing your wounds or wasted from chemo, it takes energy to get them to do stuff and often you have to lead by example, even when you don’t feel like it. I had to explain to the girl that I’m like Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio, I’m her conscience, trying to be the voice of reason, pushing her to make the best choices in life. What more could you want as a parent, but that your children are healthy, safe, happy, and the best version of themselves. With my surgery coming up, I know I’m going to have more time on the sidelines, and I’ll be missing out on being the best parent, but I’ll be wishing for the kids to take up those independent reins and do more for themselves and for the family without being told. 

Giving Thanks

I have so much to be thankful for, my life being at the top of the list. To be able to live this beautiful life, to be with Matt and the children, this is my greatest blessing. 

Thanksgiving dinner is infamous for many people for the conflict and strife it can bring, and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but today was a special day. 

I spent time in my happy place this morning, in the kitchen, preparing some delicious side dishes to bring to my aunt’s house. Later, we gathered together for an early dinner. We celebrated our time together in such a peaceful way. No one brought up cancer, which was so wonderful. I felt normal for a moment. We laughed, had lots of jokes, sang songs, learned more about each other, and ate until our bellies were full. My brother brought a ton of desserts, including gourmet donuts from Staten Island. 

For a moment, we were one big happy family and cancer was not a part of the conversation. I’m so full of gratitude for this special memory. 

I’m also so very grateful for my extended family, you who are praying for me every day, lifting me up before God, sending positive thoughts my way, and sustaining me when I have trouble walking this path on my own. My gratitude is overflowing today… 

“I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints….For I have had great joy and comfort in your love…” Philemon‬ ‭1‬:‭4‬-‭5‬, ‭7‬

One Day at a Time

I went to work today and it was nice to be with the children one last time before I’m out for a while. It was also nice to keep busy, especially when my spirit was down. I felt very down based on the conversations yesterday. Not knowing what’s happening to me is scary and frustrating, but I’m learning to take this one day at a time. Today is today and that’s all I can do. I can’t do yesterday, it’s done. Tomorrow is tomorrow and it will take care of itself. 

I worked on the puzzle that I promised my mom would be finished by Thanksgiving. It doesn’t look promising…but the metaphor continues. Every time I got stuck, I would walk away, give myself space, and then return to find more pieces that fit. Why didn’t I see those pieces earlier? They were hiding in plain sight just waiting to be found and put in the right place, but my judgement was clouded and I couldn’t see it. I was too close to it and needed time away and a fresh perspective. 

Finally I cozied up on the sofa to watch a show with the family with my cup of tea and new blanket (thank you my friend!). Off to bed to end this day and start a new day tomorrow, God willing. 

Cancer Conversations

This morning I took a special trip to Philadelphia to the Fox Chase Cancer Center. Thankfully it had nothing to do with my own condition, it was about helping others. Thanks to all of my supporters for the Stomp Out Cancer event, I was able to raise almost $4,000 toward the grand total of $18,357. This money will directly help patients pay for their medical bills and I’m so proud to have been a part of it!

After the photo op, I returned home and had lunch before my infusion. I am no longer receiving chemo treatments, but I still need infusions of herceptin and perjeta, two targeted antibody treatments for breast cancer. I will continue these infusions every three weeks for a whole year, ending in July 2023. 

I had two important conversations today, one with the oncologist and one with the thoracic surgeon. My oncologist was on the call last Friday when the breast surgeon presented my case. More than a dozen doctors discussed what this mediastinal mass could be and what should be done about it. They all agreed that I should continue with the lumpectomy, which is scheduled for this Monday. But they were also concerned about the mass. The oncologist does not think this is metastasized breast cancer, mainly because it does not spread in such ways (frighteningly that would make this stage 4), and also because it did not respond to the chemo with such a complete response the way the breast tumors did. However, without a biopsy, there is no way to know what the mass is and what to do next. The oncologist suggested perhaps the thoracic surgeon would do a biopsy. Unfortunately when I spoke with him, he said because of its location under the breast bone, a biopsy would be incredibly invasive and risky. So he recommended that I go through with the lumpectomy and make an appointment with him in a few weeks to discuss my options (which could be do nothing or have the major surgery to remove it). 

I don’t know what to say. I mean, as much as I didn’t want to have this major surgery cutting my chest open, I had resigned myself to it and was also relieved when I didn’t need it. But as I said, I was cautiously optimistic and now it looks like I may still need this surgery down the road, which is frustrating because I would rather have done it all at once rather than go back for a second turn on the operating table. There is no way to know what the mass is without taking it out, and I don’t know that I can run the risk of keeping it there for longer not knowing what it could do in the future (e.g. spread to other parts, etc.). I am trying to remain brave, fearless, and strong, but I’m scared for what’s next - the not knowing, the worry, the what-ifs. I keep praying for answers but also for peace to get through these feelings. Thank you for being there for me. 

Another MRI

The last time I had an MRI back in June, I was terrified. I had never had one before and every possible thing that could terrify me ran through my head. But this time, I came in with a calm demeanor, put my boobs through the holes and laid down in the supergirl position, got my headphones on with Disney music and relaxed for the ride. If you’ve ever had an MRI, you know they’re not relaxing at all. The magnets make sounds like an emergency fire alarm; your natural inclination is to get up and run. Nonetheless I kept still for twenty minutes with and without contrast. Before I knew it, the test was done and I was relieved that I conquered one more hurdle. Now I just need to wait for the results and talk to the doctor to see what it means.

My MRI attire

Getting It All In, Part 2

Saturday was another busy day. First I started out with a haircut. Believe it or not, it was getting too long…well just the parts that had hair, they were getting a little wild. But as you can see, my hair is finally starting to grow back! I’m so excited to see the hair grow in, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever. It’s been five months of hair loss, so it’s such a relief to be on the other side of that equation! Now if only my eyebrows would catch up!

And thanks to Theresa for making it look beautiful again!

After the haircut came the final Princeton football game. I’m so glad I was able to attend one more game since I was sick in bed for all but one other game. And this was a game to remember…down to the final 20 seconds, it was incredible! 

Finally Matt and the kids and I went to our local museum for an escape room challenge. The kids actually had fun and we made more memories as a family, I couldn’t be happier. 

Today I spent the day resting at home. My digestion again took a turn for the worst, I needed to give myself the rest my body needed. Tomorrow is another big day - another MRI. I’ve been trying not to think about it and figure I’ll face it when I get there rather than fret over it and stress myself in advance. I just pray it goes smoothly, that I don’t panic, and that the results are good news. 

Getting It All In

What a super busy and tiring week! I went back to work, although I had a day of major stomach upset, which reminded me that not everything is back to normal but still a little upside down. That night I went to bed super early, I was exhausted from the stomach pain. 

I’m tired. Definitely tired. Matt said I might have pushed myself too hard. I felt like I had the energy to dive back in, and I’m a pretty good judge of my stability and well-being, but maybe I need to give myself some space to ease back into working with the little energizer bunnies called kindergarteners. 

Today I received a phone call from the breast surgeon’s office. The nurse said the doctor wants me to get another MRI, which I was not excited to hear. I realized that today was Friday and she had presented my case to the group of doctors. I didn’t speak with the doctor yet but it appears the thoracic surgeon wants to attend my surgery after all and perhaps they might try and take a biopsy from that mass. I understand why…they don’t know what it is and without taking a piece of it, they’ll never know. I just don’t know how to mentally prepare for these next steps, so I’m trying to take things one day, one moment at a time. 

Tonight my family and I attended a Princeton hockey game. It was a fun time and another great memory in the books before my surgery takes me out of commission for a bit. I’m trying to get it all in while I can and enjoy life!

Mysteries

Lately I’ve been binge watching House, a medical show from the early 2000s that centers around an unconventional medical doctor bent on solving puzzling medical mysteries. You would think the last think I might want to watch are medical shows, but it genuinely satisfies my detective nature and gives me a little peace of mind to see medical problems wrapped up in a nice neat bow. 

I find myself once again in a puzzle. I spoke with my oncologist this evening and we discussed the results of the CT scan. He was also quite surprised and truly had no explanation for the mass and its disappearance. He consulted with the thoracic surgeon and the breast surgeon. Without having a biopsy, there is no way to know what the mass actually was…speculation includes a thymoma that responded to the chemo, thymic carcinoma or thymic cancer, or perhaps even metastatic breast cancer, although the oncologist said it would be unlikely for breast cancer to spread to the mediastinum before spreading to other nearby common areas first, such as the lungs or liver. Therefore they agreed that my breast surgeon would present my case in their weekly conference this Friday. This is the second time my case is being presented in less than six months! Sounds like a case for Dr. House!

So I sit here and work on a 2000 piece puzzle…to keep my mind busy, to try and make sense of my thoughts and feelings, hoping to solve something, to be assured of something. Every time I put a piece in the right place, there is a satisfaction that I’m figuring something out, even if it’s only temporary, for a puzzle, and life somehow feels like it’s falling into place instead of falling apart. You don’t want to hear “we don’t know what this is, we don’t understand why” and you don’t want to hear those words “metastatic breast cancer, stage four” either. Your heart sinks, your life and all your choices flash before you, your cautious optimism is confirmed, and you hear that imaginary clock ticking away, ripping everything you love out of your hands.

I sit here with a puzzle wishing I could solve something, but also knowing that these real life things are out of my control. 

Moving Forward

This weekend was a turning point for me. I was able to leave the house and socialize, which was refreshing. Spending time with friends and family and making memories, this is living and enjoying life. 

Today I drove my car for the first time in almost two weeks - the ultimate freedom! But above all, I have been able to eat!! I had a delicious brunch with a friend (so good to see you!) and the meal was huge, and I ate it all! I haven’t been able to fill my stomach like that in maybe a month. I couldn’t believe how much I ate and how my appetite had returned. I went food shopping and then came home to make more food. 

Unfortunately not everything tastes great. I still experience weird metallic or sour flavors in some foods and others have missing flavors like salt. But being able to eat again has brought back a joy to my life that I needed, a sense of normalcy, a sign that things are moving forward and I don’t have to look back. I can put the chemo behind me, the cold capping and hair loss, the starvation and weight loss, the body aches and pains…I can put it all behind me and start really looking forward. What a relief! 

Diarrhea Diaries

I look fine on the outside, perfectly normal I suppose. This is the cross cancer patients bear, the one where people may inevitably say “well you don’t look sick.” True, I don’t look sick (except for the thin pale skin, missing hair and eyebrows, weight loss, etc.) but it’s what you don’t see - the dozens of times I need to run to the bathroom because my insides are currently under reconstruction. From the top (my mouth) to the bottom (my bottom), my insides have been served up a fiery platter. As much as I want to eat, the consequences are inconvenient at best and disastrous at worst. Being close to my home bathroom is a must these days in recovery. I know I’ll bounce back eventually, but for now, I’m just working on being less sick from the inside out. 

Crackers for the stomach and steaming for the cold that came back (screaming crying emoji!).

By the way Matt came up with this title, but then he said it was a sh*t title. Dad joke. 

Big News

I couldn’t talk about the CT scan until I spoke with the surgeon and understood more. 

The big news (drumroll please) is that the thymoma disappeared! It was a 5 cm mass under my sternum, and it shrunk down to approximately 11 mm, leaving just the thymus! This is HUGE news because it means I don’t need to have the massive open chest surgery! That means I only need to have the lumpectomy on November 28th, which means no long hospital stay and six week recovery. It means I’ll come the same day of the procedure and recover at home. This is amazing news!*

*I’m not throwing a party yet. I’m cautiously optimistic because as the surgeon indicated, this doesn’t just happen. Sure, I had chemo and clearly this mass responded to the chemo, but there’s no explanation as to why, because thymomas don’t typically respond to chemo like this. He suggested it could have been metastatic breast cancer or something else. Since it lit up during the PET scan, it was definitely a “hot spot” for some sort of cancer activity. So going forward the oncologist will need to send me for regular scans and we’ll have to keep an eye on it. 

That’s the cautiously optimistic part. It’s gone, for now. I will always need to keep my eye on this. Maybe it’ll come back again? Maybe it’ll move somewhere else? It’s not easy to get over having cancer because you always feel like you’re under the shadow of it. I’ve read that some people are able to move on and forget. Maybe that will be me one day.

I’m the meantime, I’m quietly rejoicing over the big news that I don’t need that surgery. I pray you are rejoicing with me. I am forever grateful for everyone who lifted me up in prayer, and raised my health and well-being, and my deep fears and worries before God in prayer. My body and soul are healing! Amen.

Reading, Eating, Waiting

A friend of mine sent me this book in the hopes it would help my eating (thank you!) For fans of food and Jane Austen…

The main characters are sisters - one is a chef and one has breast cancer. The book presents a different philosophy about eating during chemo…if good food tastes terrible, then maybe terrible tasting food might taste good. 

I haven’t mastered this and have tried so many combinations of textures and flavors, but I’m still not there. Food still tastes terrible, even terrible food. But I’m grateful for the book, it’s actually helped me connect with a character who understands what I’m going through. 

I am also waiting for tomorrow. I meet with the thoracic surgeon to talk about my thymoma surgery. I got the results of the CT scan, and the news is incredible, too incredible not to share, but I have to wait to consult with the doctor before I can talk about it. I’m not sure what it all means. 

In the meantime, I spent the evening cuddled with the kiddos to watch a movie. Because of all of the sickness running through this house (bad colds & chemo), we haven’t had cuddle time in what seems like forever. It was sweet to be together again. 

CT Scan

I started the day with apple juice and a CT scan. I think I was nervous, it all happened so fast. The nursing team kept talking to me, distracting me from the IV and the scan. Before I knew it, the scan was over. Cookies in, cookies out. That’s the best kind of scan, the one that finishes quickly.

Then came the visit to urgent care for my eye, hence the glasses. Turns out I might have an eye infection. How did that happen? Don’t know. It seems my body just wants to play games with me these days.

I still can’t eat, which makes me very sad. My mouth feels like sandpaper and the taste of everything makes me want to vomit. 

The fried egg and broccoli, tasted like vomit. I actually threw away food…I’ve never done that. The miso soup, barely manageable. I can hardly do anything without food in my system, and my sadness is deep. I’m waiting to turn the corner…come on corner, where are you??