Scan Day

I’m so tired and sad from chemo. I’m tired of being hungry, of losing weight, of wanting to eat. I’m tired of looking at my pallid and thin face, lacking life and vitality…I can’t hold back the tears today. 

But it’s a big day. Today is mammogram/ultrasound day. This will determine if all of this has been working and worth the struggle, if the lumps have shrunken, and if I’m still a candidate for a lumpectomy. I’m praying hard in the midst of my pain and tears. 

It’s not lost on me that it’s breast cancer awareness month. There are pink balloons and decorations everywhere at the radiology center. I even got chocolate. Believe me, I am so very aware that breast cancer exists. It’s so very real to me more than I ever imagined it would be.

I began with the mammogram, the usual top and side views. No pain, no issues. I managed to hold my weak body up long enough to get through it. Then I waited for the doctor to review the scans. The tech returned, the doctor wanted more scans, deeper images. Fear and loathing. I managed to stand for two more tight scans (every woman who has ever had a mammogram is literally feeling the compression). 

Finally I had the ultrasound. It’s never comfortable having a jellied wand smashed into your breast, but it was worth the trouble. The doctor came to deliver the results and it appears the chemo has been working! The larger tumor shrunk by a few millimeters and the smaller one has nearly disappeared! This is a blessing and has given this struggle a purpose! But he was also concerned about a new area of calcification. I left the office with mixed emotions, of course, because I was just praying for good news, not good news and weird news. The radiologist is recommending another MRI to get a better look at the new calcification. 

Fast forward to my afternoon appointment with the oncologist. Despite the weight loss again and the frustrating side effects, the doctor was very pleased with my blood counts and said I’m still doing really well. He was also delighted to hear the sonogram results, evidence that the medicines are working. I see the breast surgeon on Wednesday to talk about my surgical options and another potential MRI. 

In the meantime I am continuing to try and nourish myself as much as possible. The taste buds are dead but my desire to eat is alive and well.