I went into work today for the first time in almost two weeks. It was so wonderful to see the children again, but there was no doubt I kept them at a distance from me. It's unfortunate because I'm a hugger and the children are so huggable. But so many coughs and snots...I need to tread carefully theses days, especially since it's taking me more than two weeks to get over this mucus, and my own family is beginning to share some of the same symptoms.
Today was also an important appointment with the breast surgeon.
She did an examination and was elated by the news of the ultrasound. The tumors have shrunken, that's the great part. Then she explained that there is no way to know why new calcifications are forming, but it's not worth doing another MRI, it can be addressed in surgery. So we discussed next steps. I have chosen to have a lumpectomy, also known as breast conservation surgery. The alternative would be a mastectomy, full breast removal, followed by, if wanted, reconstruction, also known as implants. There is no such thing as going back to normal at the end of all of this, but my hope is to be able to look in the mirror and still feel somewhat like myself to whatever extent is possible, so I have chosen to conserve as much of myself as I can. The doctor then proceeded to explain the process of a wire-guided lumpectomy. The radiologist will numb me and stick wires into me to help the surgeon locate all of the sites...in my case the two tumors and the calcification, which she can remove to prevent it from potentially becoming something. It did not sound fun at all and brought up all sorts of fears and images of that creepy character in the 90's movie Hellraiser, with pins (wires) sticking out! But it doesn't matter, the work needs to be done. I'm not saying my fears have gone away...I'm saying I'll save them for another day, they don't serve me right now. As always your prayers are welcome.
Each day I work on getting stronger, drinking juice, moving my body, and keeping calm. I'm praying for so many miracles, because at the end of the day, my only hope is to add to the beauty. The song by Sara Groves, Add to the Beauty, it makes me weep like a small child every time I hear it...it rings true in my soul. My life has been chosen and transformed in so many ways, so that I can tell a better story and add to the beauty on this earth. I pray it is so.
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