Unrecognizable

Tonight I cried in the shower. Not just sobbing, but wailing and weeping. The flood gates opened and I just cried and cried. I used to love taking showers, it was my perfect entrance to the evening time rest that would await me. It was the perfect way to wash away the worries of the day. Now taking a shower is like being stabbed by a million tiny, sharp, frozen daggers. From my neck and chest, down my back, my groin, my legs, my feet...all being stabbed. My itchy, stinging hands attempting to wash my angry body... I remember a time when I used to care about how I look and never once gave a second thought to how I feel. Now I am desperate not to feel this way and could care less about how I look. 

A wise person asked me this week how I have been coping with my feelings. I said I had some moments where I've tripped on that lump in my throat, where I wanted to cry but it wasn’t the right time. She mentioned a brilliant analogy she heard about how we all have this beach ball in the pool, and no matter how hard we try to submerge that beach ball, it will inevitably find its way back to the surface. I could clearly picture it, me putting my whole body on this ball and it flying across my waist, high up into the air for everyone to see. It's best to just put the ball on display at the appropriate time, that way it doesn't just appear as a surprise. I don't want to scare anyone, I don't want my family and friends to worry. So I need to remember to take time with my beach ball, to process and deal with all these heavy emotions. I don't recognize myself these days and it hurts so badly. Things that used to take only minutes take forever. I struggle to move my body around quickly. I struggle to open things, my fingers and my hands are so weak. Simple things like opening a package, getting dressed, or cutting my nails are laborious. 

I'm just mourning my former self. It makes me so sad and so scared at how quickly these changes appeared and it makes me want to cry...here's my beach ball everyone.