One Against Many

I had an early appointment this morning with a retinal specialist. Back in December I felt like my vision was blurring a little bit more than usual, so I went to see the optometrist. She didn’t notice any particular changes in my prescription, but noticed something called a cotton wool spot and referred me to a retinal specialist to keep an eye on it (no pun intended). The retinal specialist noticed the cotton wool spot in my right eye and a small hemmorage in my left eye. He said this was not uncommon in patients undergoing cancer treatments because of the changes in blood counts, it can create these small blood spots but they're nothing to worry about and should resolve on their own. He was, however, very concerned about my eye motility and said I needed to see a neuro-ophthalmologist very soon, and thankfully I got in today! 

But first was radiation, looking crazy with a patch and glasses. 

The second eye doctor was almost an hour away but worth the drive. Shout out to my best driver - thank you for your love and care!

I found out that my prescription had nearly doubled in my left eye in a matter of a week, which was unbelievable and discouraging! The doctor was so incredibly kind and helpful; I was so glad to meet with him. He was 99% sure this is myasthenia gravis and told me to start the medication right away. He said it should help build back the communication between the nerves and the muscles, since my eyes are not responding to my signals, they can’t even follow his finger back and forth. How scary! 

I remember seeing a video a long time ago of kids fighting on a playground - one kid was on the ground while a crowd of like 8 to 10 kids were kicking and pummeling him. That’s what this feels like right now. When you’re diagnosed with cancer, your sole purpose is to beat the cancer, but what they don’t tell you is everything else you’re going to have to fight. 

It would feel like a fair fight if it was just me against cancer. With my army of supporters, I could battle this no problem, but this isn’t a fair fight. I’m being pummeled from all sides, and every time I think I’m getting better, something new comes forward to kick me down again. 

My dear friend sent me this poignant devotional based on Matthew 10:27 - 

“What I tell you in darkness” – watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet. If you open your mouth in the dark, you will talk in the wrong mood: darkness is the time to listen. Don’t talk to other people about it; don’t read books to find out the reason of the darkness, but listen and heed. If you talk to other people, you cannot hear what God is saying. When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light.

I know I’m talking about being in a pit, but I’m listening God. Please tell me what this is all about.