Hydration Day

Today was a new day for me. It was a hydration day. At my last visit with the oncologist, we discussed some symptoms, like eye twitching, and he attributed this to potentially low electrolyte levels and dehydration, also evident in my high red blood count. So we scheduled a day for just hydration. What a strange feeling going in and not getting set up for the cold capping and cocktail of meds. Just saline to plump me up and help me feel better.

Waiting to see the oncologist. Mondays are super busy, long wait.

Finally in the chair, plugged in for fluids. 

I was finally finished after three hours. And I actually felt better. I was still hungry (and yes I attempted to eat sushi, even though my taste buds are still rebelling) but I felt stronger, in a way I can’t quite describe. I’m wishing I had done this after each treatment, maybe it would’ve helped me along the way, but you live and you learn to pass these lessons onto others. This hydration will be very useful for tomorrow. I have a CT scan for the thymoma, a final peek before the surgery at the end of the month. Prayers are always welcome. 

Last Day

Today is the last day I will feel like this. Tomorrow won’t be like this. The next day won’t be like this. So I can find joy and hope that this is the last day I will feel like I feel. 

I need to turn the corner already. I’m tired of feeling tired. I want to get back to my old self…well, not the self with cancer, the new me without it. I want energy again, strength again, taking five steps without being winded again. I want food in my belly, meat on my bones, and color in my face.

I managed to get out of bed and wash my hair today. I spent time watching tv on the sofa again. I opened the windows, got fresh air, had my piano lesson. Even though I only drank liquids today, it’s the last day I will feel like this again. I’ll feel other stuff in the future, but this…no. No more feeling meh from treatments. I can put this behind me.

Saturday

Sure. Mindset matters. Then it’s Saturday. The worst day. And then your child throws the door open at the crack of dawn like The Terminator to tell you they haven’t slept and have a headache. Yes, and a fever. Medicine and ice pack and back to bed. And the other one is sick too. 

So you go into hiding. You stay in bed all day, languishing from hunger and a low fever. You try and sleep the day away even though the weather is beautiful and you wish you were outside. 

Little by little. No expectations. Just get through it. Stay healthy, that’s the main goal. And be grateful to hubby for holding down the fort. 

Mindset Matters

Today didn’t go like I thought it would. This is how I woke up -  

I don’t want to do this. The night sweats, the stomach pains, the hunger and weakness, the body aches…I don’t want to do this. 

I laid in bed all morning to avoid getting up and feeling anything. Survival mode. I kept praying for patience, to get through these moments. 

I took it easy, on my body and on my mind. I drank small sips so that my stomach wouldn’t hurt. I took small steps so that my muscles wouldn’t ache. I didn’t practice piano, instead I just touched the keys and let something else come out. No pressure, no expectation. 

I managed to get outside and sweep some leaves off the deck. That was a huge accomplishment and a subtle reminder not to strive for perfection. Sweeping leaves in the fall feels like a futile effort, because inevitably the wind will bring it right back to you. Let that one leaf go, let that thing go that frustrates you, that holds you back from feeling so free. 

I found myself less miserable today than I thought I would be. Maybe it was just my mindset. 

Surviving

I was so delighted to wake up this morning so well rested, having slept through the night, but by 9 am I was already in need of a nap. Cancer doesn’t stop for parenting, so when the boy needed a tooth pulled, my parents got to chauffeur and I came along for the ride for a little moral support (I’m not sure who needed it more).

I can already see how much quicker the symptoms have come on. I rested on the sofa, feeling stiff and tired, not interested in moving. At least I got some pet therapy. 

Eating has also quickly become a challenge. I had a protein drink, a juice, some jello, and I even tried some rice crackers, turkey, and rice pudding. It was a last ditch effort to eat something solid, my Hail Mary for food. I’ll need to stick to liquids going forward. 

I mustered some energy (with a few breaks) to make another delicious batch of shredded beets and carrots. Even though I didn’t eat it, being in the kitchen brings me life. My senses are heightened and I can figuratively taste what I’m making. The work of preparing food and the smells make me feel alive, even when I sadly can’t enjoy it. 

Finally I dragged myself to bed. I logged on to a Humor Beats Cancer event and listened to some funny stories from cancer survivors who have found a corner of joy in all of this frustration. I’ll find some humor in all of this eventually, but for now, I’m just working on the surviving part. 

Post-Infusion #6

You would think I’d still be celebrating, but not quite…now comes the backlash. The stomach pain has started and the muscle aches are starting to set in. 

I took advantage of a good window to quickly pick up some groceries to feed the family this week. Then my mom and I walked to the doctor’s office to get my final Neulasta shot. Hooray!

Overall, I walked over 5000 steps today. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. I didn’t nap and my body is feeling it. I can barely keep my eyes open. And just as I was about to get ready for bed, I received a lovely surprise! Thank you work wifey! Don’t worry, we’ll get back to our shenanigans before you know it! Thank you for the love!

Six Down! No More to Go!

I finally got there, #6! I woke up early despite not getting much sleep at all; that steroid keeps me up! I don’t have six fingers to show, so I’m sticking my tongue out at cancer for treatment number 6!

Back to treatment room number 1, comfy in my heated recliner, ice capped and ready to go. 

Coco, my emotional support bear, keeping me company, along with my parents and Matt taking turns to be with me. 

Six hours later I was all done and ready to go home. Many people get the opportunity to ring a bell when they finish chemo treatments, but this office didn’t have one any more. They found it discouraging for the patients who need to continue treatments for their lifetime and will never get a chance to ring the bell. I can respect that. What I came home to, however, was an even greater surprise! My family put together a party for me! How lovely! Even though I was so tired from the Benadryl and lack of sleep, it was so wonderful to share the time with them and celebrate the occasion! Totally worth staying awake!

Now I’m not giving up, just thoroughly exhausted and ready for bed. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement today, I’m humbled and so deeply grateful! And thank you for the flowers my friend! They’re beautiful, just like you! Good night! 

All Hallows’ Eve

When you work with little children, you quickly learn what is important to them. Since they come from different backgrounds and faith traditions, shared holidays are few, but the one all of the children love the most has to be Halloween. Wearing costumes and collecting candy is a top 3 activity for any five and six year old. So you have to get on the boat…and dress up…as a crayon…dressed as a bat.

Truthfully, it’s fun to share in their enthusiasm. And it’s a delightful reprieve knowing that tomorrow I will be in that chair one more time. To be honest, I haven’t given it much thought. Many people have said, “you must be so excited, it’s your last treatment!” but I can’t seem to respond with genuine enthusiasm. Maybe it’s because I know what comes next (surgery), maybe it’s because I know how I will feel for the next two weeks, maybe it’s because part of me fears I’ll have to do this again one day in the distant future, maybe it’s because these days I think a lot about the future while trying to enjoy the present.

So while Halloween was actually about praying for the saints and the dead, maybe you could spare a prayer for the living, to give me the permission to feel all of my feelings without apology, and to help give me the courage to get through this one more time. Thank you. 

Sunday Fun Day

Yesterday’s football game, stadium food, curry ramen, and bubble tea were not enough. Today was another jam-packed day of fun and food. I started out early in the morning and got fresh, hot bagels for the family. A yummy toasted sesame bagel with scallion cream cheese and fried egg to get me ready for the race. The family and I went to run/walk one mile for HomeFront. 

My goal was to run as much as possible, but I discovered that my real goal was to beat the dog that was running faster than me! I beat that pupper! Go me!

Afterward I made some fresh roasted pumpkin seeds and enjoyed some delicious roasted vegetables and lentils with a fantastic homemade vinaigrette. Thank you my friend for the meal delivery! 

Then I was able to enjoy another amazing fish dinner, this time with my dear friend Annie! There are people in life you cross paths with, and let’s just say this was one unique path to friendship - Torah study! You’ve been very missed and I’m honored you chose to spend your precious time in Princeton with me! Look, you’re famous now! 

Finally, I ended the day with food shopping. It was a long and busy weekend with lots of food and activity, but I know what’s coming - many days on the sofa, unable to eat. But first, I’ll need to survive Halloween on a Monday with twenty 5 and 6 year olds! Wish me luck!

Winner, Winner

The saying is “winner, winner, chicken dinner” but in fact it was a fish dinner for me. It was an exhausting week, more so than usual, but a wonderful reprieve to have dinner on Friday evening with my parents. These two have been rockstars, taking such good care of me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have landed such awesome parents. 

Then I won again today by having a great time with Matt and the kids. I finally got the family outing I had been waiting for at a Princeton University football game. You see, last spring I bought season tickets, excited to see the games with my family…best laid plans. I haven’t been able to attend one game all season because they kept falling on the Saturday after my treatments when I felt my worst side effects! (side note: this has given me some perspective on planning things so far in advance…you just don’t know what is headed your way sometimes, like a cancer diagnosis, but I ask myself, should that stop me from thinking about the future?). So this was my first game, and what an exciting game against Cornell - five turnovers in favor of Princeton and a final score of 35-9. They won and I won! The weather was perfect and we walked around town, got some Princeton apparel, fresh pressed juices for the week, bubble tea, and ramen! I wanted to fill my day with fun and make memories, enjoy these moments while I’m well and have the energy. It was everything I hoped for and couldn’t be happier! 

Tired But Grateful

Pop quiz - which is more tiring? Going through chemo or teaching kindergarten? There are no wrong answers. Both are very tiring, but in different ways. Standing all day, being poked and prodded by little fingers, and bombarded with all sorts of questions and complaints is terribly exhausting. On the flip side, I’m not looking forward to being pumped full of chemicals again, losing my taste and appetite, and languishing on the sofa with aches and pains again. So I guess the correct answer is they are both equally tiring and challenging. 

However, I still stand in awe of the prayer warriors who lift me up and give me the strength and courage to face these tiring days. My aunt sent me this photo from a prayer group in Puerto Rico who are lifting up my name for health and healing. How could I not get out of bed and do this tough work when I have such support? It was gloomy and rainy this week and all I wanted to do was stay in bed, but I knew those bedridden days were around the corner. I pressed on and thanked God for my life and the opportunity to be alive, even if it means I have to get up to do hard things. It’s worth the effort. 

Stomp Out Cancer

It was a hectic and busy week with parent-teacher conferences at work. Thursday and Friday were two very long days; I was glad I had the stamina for the work, but exhausted by Friday night. 

Today was the first annual Stomp Out Cancer event hosted by Princeton Charter School in coordination with the Fox Chase Cancer Center, and what a special event it was! Friends and family helped me raise over $3000, which contributed to the total raised (over $15,000)! One hundred percent of these funds will go to help patients pay for their cancer treatment! 

We walked around the school for the event with fun stations to stop and enjoy, and live music for entertainment. I even had the pleasure of finally seeing my birthday buddy and great friend for the first time in almost three years! Thank you for coming! You made my day! Look, you’re famous! 

And thank you for the awesome cookbook that inspired me to make this delicious carrot and beet salad at 9pm! 

Doctor Day

I went into work today for the first time in almost two weeks.  It was so wonderful to see the children again, but there was no doubt I kept them at a distance from me.  It's unfortunate because I'm a hugger and the children are so huggable.  But so many coughs and snots...I need to tread carefully theses days, especially since it's taking me more than two weeks to get over this mucus, and my own family is beginning to share some of the same symptoms.

Today was also an important appointment with the breast surgeon.  

She did an examination and was elated by the news of the ultrasound.  The tumors have shrunken, that's the great part.  Then she explained that there is no way to know why new calcifications are forming, but it's not worth doing another MRI, it can be addressed in surgery.  So we discussed next steps.  I have chosen to have a lumpectomy, also known as breast conservation surgery.  The alternative would be a mastectomy, full breast removal, followed by, if wanted, reconstruction, also known as implants. There is no such thing as going back to normal at the end of all of this, but my hope is to be able to look in the mirror and still feel somewhat like myself to whatever extent is possible, so I have chosen to conserve as much of myself as I can.  The doctor then proceeded to explain the process of a wire-guided lumpectomy.  The radiologist will numb me and stick wires into me to help the surgeon locate all of the sites...in my case the two tumors and the calcification, which she can remove to prevent it from potentially becoming something.  It did not sound fun at all and brought up all sorts of fears and images of that creepy character in the 90's movie Hellraiser, with pins (wires) sticking out!  But it doesn't matter, the work needs to be done.  I'm not saying my fears have gone away...I'm saying I'll save them for another day, they don't serve me right now.  As always your prayers are welcome.

Each day I work on getting stronger, drinking juice, moving my body, and keeping calm.  I'm praying for so many miracles, because at the end of the day, my only hope is to add to the beauty.  The song by Sara Groves, Add to the Beauty, it makes me weep like a small child every time I hear it...it rings true in my soul.  My life has been chosen and transformed in so many ways, so that I can tell a better story and add to the beauty on this earth.  I pray it is so. 

We come with beautiful secrets

We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls

We come to every new morning

With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces

Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty

To tell a better story

I want to shine with the light

That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations

It brings redemption to life and work

To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community

It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces

Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty

To tell a better story

I want to shine with the light

That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful

This is grace, an invitation

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces

Calling out our best

And I want to add to the beauty

To tell a better story

I want to shine with the light

That's burning up inside