Nonsense

Listen to these kind words - 

Oh Laurie. You deserve so much better than all this crap. I wish I could make it better. I promise to sit in the nonsense with you

I’ve been feeling alone, isolated, and saddened by everything that’s been happening to me. I have a wonderful support network from my family and friends, but sometimes when people haven’t been through it, it’s hard for them to understand the feelings of frustration, guilt, and despair that come with cancer. And then to get Covid? Really? Kick me while I’m down!

But my friend said, I promise to sit in the nonsense with you, and it touched my heart. It wasn’t a promise to make things better or to cheer me through it, but to just sit with me, and that’s comforting. I could picture us, like two kids sitting in a mud puddle, splashing around, knowing that we’re gonna feel sticky and gross but probably still find something to laugh about…and that brings me joy.

Last night, I just wanted to cry…it was the hunger, fever, and fatigue talking. But this morning I woke up, my shirt soaked because my fever finally broke, and I felt better for the first time in so many days. I felt like I could kind of smile. 

I tried to eat and Matt graciously made me breakfast. I had a few bites and felt satisfied. But as the day wore on, my desire to eat waned again as I felt weak and achy. Everything was an effort. Walking up the stairs rose my heart rate above 100. Bending down to pick up something made me dizzy. It frightens me how hard simple tasks are and how undernourished I am. Now I feel like I could cry again. I desperately want things to change…I’m trying. But it just feels like nonsense, all day, every day.