Crying In My Cookie

This weekend was radio silence, I know. I wish I could say it was for a trip or something, but it was just me, hibernating. Saturday I sat home and did nothing, trying so hard to eat something. Sunday I had a fun day hanging with my friend. Normally we meet out for a meal but she graciously came over and we just watched tv together, it was a wonderful no-pressure hang out. I even got to make her my ramen, which has become my staple meal of the day. We also danced to a couple of songs which felt nice to move like that. 

I’ve been trying to move with some dancing, making it exciting to get up and get around. Nothing much motivates me these days because I’m usually weak and in pain. Today was no exception. I practiced piano for a long time, playing songs I enjoy and making it more fun and less work. But I also made cookies, a package of gluten-free cookie mix. I was excited to dive into one hoping for that delicious cookie flavor I so miss…and instead it tasted terrible and I cried. I just cried into my cookie because I was so sad that I couldn’t enjoy it. So sad that I can’t enjoy any food these days, that eating is a chore and a frustrating chore that brings pain and nausea. 

My dear friend sent me a message and this stood out - 

What I do know as I read your posts, is that in spite of all the tears, uncertainties and trepidation, you maintain an unbending will to get better. 

I’m really trying, my friend, I am. I’m not giving up. I have to get better. It’s the only way I can move forward in this life. I’ve lost so much weight, I’m frail and weak, and this sadness is overwhelming, but I can’t give up! I just can’t! I am missing time with my family because I can’t do things, I’m missing work, and other fun activities. Please pray for my body, that it will heal, that I can eat again and get stronger. Please pray for my spirit, that my will to fight and live does not waver. Amen.