Finding the Right Words

Disappointed is not the word I'm looking for.  It's something else.  I can't quite put my finger on it. 

I've been super busy this week trying to get my classroom in order - it's a scary prospect!  But I've been taking advantage of these healthy days to get as much done as I can. 

Then I went to taekwondo tonight and it felt amazing.  The workout made me feel strong and the forms challenged my mind and pushed my limits.  This man right here, Grandmaster Yoo, is one of the most encouraging people I know. He's an 8th Dan (degree) black belt, which means he is in the elite top .05% of masters in the USA and the top 1% globally! He has so much he could boast about - his successful schools, his beautiful family, and yet he is incredibly humble and has a heart of gold, waking up at 3 am to feed the homeless, taking mission trips to Haiti to build homes and schools, and collecting toys each year for children in the cancer ward.  Each class he reminds us that nothing is impossible and to do better than what I'm doing right now.  I was inspired and on fire.

Then I spoke with a classmate and it turns out he works in the oncology field. He asked me about my diagnosis and spoke about the immunotherapy drugs I'm taking.  He was very encouraged because he said this is a great track and I will be totally fine. The research shows survival 10-15 years out. 

I nodded my head, I agreed, I was encouraged. And then I got in the car and gave that some thought. Wait, 10-15 years? I know he said those numbers because these treatments are relatively new and the data doesn't go that far back, so I get that part...but those numbers made me feel...uneasy.  I want more.  I want to live.  Just like Grandmaster Yoo, I have so much love to give to the people around me, to give back to my community, and to my family and friends. 

So I sit with these feelings.  It's not disappointment, that's not the word. It's an uneasiness, about how hard this will be, about what it'll take to get to the other side of this, about how long I have to live.  It's more than just losing hair (which sucks by the way)…it's losing a little bit of joy mixed with a little bit of grief.  But never losing hope.  Never.