What is Looming

I returned to work today, but I left early to meet with Dr. Dultz, my breast surgeon. 

Dressed in pink

We talked about my upcoming chemo schedule and when to get my next scans. After my fifth treatment, I will get another mammogram and ultrasound to see how the tumors have hopefully shrunken. If they are an appropriate size, I am a candidate for a lumpectomy. Then I will be scheduled for surgery. That is what is looming. I know I should be excited because this will all be over, but of course I’m scared. Surgery. That thing where they put you to sleep, cut you open, then God willing you wake up and have to recover. That scares me. I don’t think anyone looks forward to that. We only ever want the end result. 

My heart races when I think about it. And I get sad too, because my surgery will not just be the lumpectomy but also the thymoma surgery, the bigger one where they really cut me open…that scares me most. And I think about all the things I won’t be able to do while I recover…much like now, recovering from chemo, I can’t attend those Princeton football games I bought tickets for, or that black belt test where I always help out, or that ballet or play I would’ve bought tickets for…but it doesn’t matter because I should only care about the end result, when I’m all better and this will all be behind me. That’s what I tell myself. But easier said than done. Just like taekwondo class tonight, easier said than done. My heart was racing, I was sweating, red-faced and unsure of what I could achieve…yep, just like I’ll be before surgery. There’s a huge vulnerability and sense of loss in all of this and it makes me want to cry a little.