Be Gentle

I slept in longer today, my body aching and hungry. Nothing feels worse to me than hunger because it seems like a problem I can solve…unfortunately this time I can’t. I rested on the sofa with my protein drink breakfast and had the pleasure of chatting with a friend overseas. 

As I was watching Korean dramas and wishing I could eat a big bowl of ramen, this wonderful gift arrived! 

A delicious soup box! (Thank you my friend!) I ate (and tasted) as much as I could, and it warmed my heart as well as my belly.  I could even taste some of the rolls and cookies...what an amazing treat!

Then my heart sank...

I got the call from the thoracic surgeon's office... my surgery is scheduled for Monday, November 28th. It was a combination of hunger, weakness, and fear, I'm sure, but I cried when I got off the phone.  It's settled, it'll happen. I know I should be delighted I'm one step closer to being over all of this, but it's just one more long, dark hurdle, and it scares me.  The phone call just made it all the more real.  My mom consoled me (and I know suffered in her own way to see me cry in fear, because I know she is scared too). So just after my final chemo treatment, I will go for another CT scan and a visit with the surgeon to look at the thymoma one more time. Then two surgeries at once…

This weakness is like wearing a shirt inside out...all of my insides are in turmoil, and my emotions are just pouring off of me without hesitation. The cells in my body are fighting back from destruction, and my heart and mind are in the emotional battle to overcome this too.

I'm trying hard to be this girl - 

But as someone dear shared with me today -

“Be gentle with yourself. You have already survived 100% of your most difficult days”

Thank you  I will try…