Portmanteau

Scanxiety. This is a real word, but don’t look it up in the dictionary. It’s real in the cancer world (am I a part of this world now?) Leaning back on my French teaching days, this word is a portmanteau - blending two words to make a new one. So let’s play a game… let’s combine two new words like scan and anxiety. How about lumpsteria (lump hysteria)? Or scarapy (scary therapy)?  Pillverload (pill overload)?

I didn’t have scanxiety today. I relaxed at the pool with my family. I was very present and in the moment, enjoying time with the children, swimming and laughing. 

And then I checked my phone. Two missed calls from the doctor’s office? Ugh. Did the CT scan results come in?? I log in. Yes, they did! What do they say? I don’t know what that means…ugh! Now I need to know (scanxiety)! I call the office back to no avail. 

Now I wait. Remember the book - Don’t Worry. Stay present, enjoy this moment, you’ll find out tomorrow and that’s ok too. 

Take a deep breath

Today was my CT scan.  I could tell that many were lifting me up in prayer because I was calmer than I thought I would have been.  The only trouble I had was the upset tummy...I mean, really, who can drink four cups of liquid in two hours?!

Matt says it's because I'm not a heavy drinker.  He makes me laugh.  It tasted like a melted berry popsicle, but now my tummy is rumbling like it's gonna start a fight with someone!

I got to keep my clothes and shoes on, so I felt kind of normal.  The contrast was very strange.  It makes you feel hot inside but then it subsides.  The machine slides you in and out like cookies on a tray in the oven.   

Then the machine tells you "please take a deep breath and hold" like it knew that I've been forgetting to breathe lately.  I have been forgetting to breathe.  I have been crying but not breathing.  But the breath is cleansing and refreshing, which is what my soul needs right now.

We went to the library yesterday and this book jumped off the shelf into my arms. 

So while we wait for the results, here is our daily reminder - don't forget to breathe.  And don't worry. 

 

Stages and Prayers

I saw the MRI report came through on Friday, but I ignored it so I could have peace and a relaxing weekend.  After my echocardiogram this morning, I met with Dr. Lee and he explained the MRI report.  He didn't like what he read.  Possible spread to the right breast.  Possible spread to the lymph nodes.  Possible spread to the lung. 

The fear set in as he said that if it actually spread, it becomes stage 4.  Treatment is no longer curative.  It's simply used for survival.  

So what's next?  A CT scan tomorrow.  Maybe a lung biopsy.  Maybe a PET scan.  And then we move forward with a plan.

While we wait, could you pray?  I have recruited an army of prayer warriors around the globe so that every angel in heaven can cry out for help on my behalf.  So that I may live, to continue to give love.  The radiologist said my heart was strong and healthy.  I said it was full of love. 

I believe in the power of prayer and in miracles.  Please add me to your list, will you?

Oncology

I finally got to meet the oncologist, Dr. Richard Lee.  He is brilliant and kind and spent almost three hours with me explaining cancer, my cancer, various treatment options and what would work for me.  He explained that based on the size of my tumor(s) and no indication of any spread, I'm at a clinical stage 1 or stage 2.  We can take curative measure to make this cancer go away, beginning with chemotherapy and continuing with immunotherapy for the rest of the year.  

I left his office feeling at ease, that I had such a wonderful care team working together to help me get better.  I even met with the nurses who educated me on the chemotherapy process, what the treatments would look like and how to take care of my body through the experience.  Adelante! 

The MRI

In order to see more of what's going on inside, I needed to get an MRI.  Anyone who knows me well also knows that I have a history of fainting, usually around a medical something, so this was going to be a challenge for me.  

First I got into my MRI attire, gown and paper shorts 

Then I received my IV (ok, no fainting yet, phew!).  I was moved into the MRI machine, on my belly with my breasts hanging through these holes. I had to keep my arms in front of me in a superman position!  Cue the Disney music and let the magnetic racket begin.  When the noise stopped, I was so excited, I thought I was done.  Cue the contrast, round two!  I had a long pep talk with myself about how I shouldn't give up, how people were counting on me to get this done, how if I moved I would have to start all over again and that would suck.  Finally he announced, almost done, two more minutes!  I hung on, no fainting, no moving for 30 minutes - success!!  I did it!  I didn't know for sure if I could do it, but I did!  This was scary for me!  The biopsy was scary for me!  But I have been victorious as my name means - a laurel for victory! 

 

A Mother's Love

I cry from the depths of my soul when I think of my children.  And so I know how much my mother loves me.  We have grown over the years to become the best of friends, and while we don't always agree and can argue like any mother-daughter relationship, we know at the core is a deep, abiding love for one another, something that cannot be explained or likened to any other relationship in this world.  

I know my mother's heart is breaking every day.  She bears this burden and it hurts her, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  She is suffering in the hopes that none of this is true, wishing that she could take it all away.  

Mom, I will fight this battle with every ounce of my being, and I want you there by my side, as strong as I remember you in my childhood - fearless, bold and unstoppable!  We've got this!  I will do whatever it takes to keep making chicken eyes at you and make you laugh until you cry and your stomach hurts.  You were always quite the fighter, let's fight together!  I love you more than words. Your Boo

Father's Day

I spent the weekend relaxing and putting this life-changing news out of my mind.  Instead I celebrated this amazing man.     

After almost 20 years of marriage, I am still very much in love with this wonderful man.  He and I have created an incredible life together.  Our travels, our houses, our jobs, and above all, our beautiful children.  That was truly the greatest gift.  

I'll never forget the day he proposed to me...he said, would you join God and me in this relationship? 

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.  Ephesians 9-12

Our threefold cord will not easily be broken, my love.  Remember, 99 years.  That's how long you're stuck with me.

A Happy Father's Day to you, for all you do and more.  I love you. -me

Last Day of School

This is the smile you have when you get home on the last day of school, of the longest week of the year, when you find out you have breast cancer. 

Then your friend sends you dinner so you don't have to cook.  And you get some pet therapy. 

Now the week is complete. 

 

First Visit

Wednesday turned out to be my first doctor visit.  I met the incredible Dr. Rachel Dultz, who walked me very gently through the cancer door.  She kept saying "your cancer" and I would flinch inside and think - this isn't my cancer!  It didn't ask for this!  Return to sender please! 

She told me that I have HER2+ breast cancer.  It's very common and very treatable.  She connected me with an oncologist who would walk me through the next steps.  I felt at ease and finally had some answers.  It was still scary, but I was reassured that I had met someone who could help me through this. 

And while blue is my favorite color, I'm starting to see a lot of pink!

Covid

Monday - You find out you have breast cancer

Tuesday - You find out your husband has Covid

Wednesday - ???

But Tuesday was more than just Covid, it was getting flowers from your coworkers who have so much love and compassion, you are so happy you work there.  It's also finding a cool pink binder to collect everything you'll need for this journey.  And it's tears when you get home from work because you still haven't processed all of this yet. 

Breast Cancer

 ...and then this happened.  

It all began in mid-April.  I felt a hot, stinging pain in my left breast.  It was something out of the ordinary.  After doing a shower self-check, I discovered a lump.  (Reminder to the ladies, don't forget to do those self-checks!)  I called to schedule a mammogram, only my second one since 2020.  When I described the pain, I was told I needed a diagnostic mammogram.  My general physician sent me to get the mammogram and an ultrasound.  It seems like a million years ago at this point, but when the radiologist came in the room and said he didn't like what he saw, I never could have imagined everything that has happened since then.  

On June 7th I had a breast biopsy.  It was scary, but I had several friends who had one done and reassured me that it was not a big deal and that everything would turn out fine.  

It was on June 13th, as I sat down at work to eat my lunch that I checked my email and realized the results came in.  I opened the report and couldn't understand it.  All I saw was "invasive ductal carcinoma"...what?  I googled it.  Breast cancer.  Very common.  High survival rate.  What??  I tried to call Matt but he didn't answer.  I ran into my boss's office and burst into tears.  It made no sense.  The whole thing didn't make any sense at all.  I was having an out of body experience.

I finally spoke with Matt.  I will never forget the shock on his face.  It still made no sense.  Then I spoke to my parents.  My mother cried and cried.  No sense at all.  

I stayed at work because it was our class party and what better way to distract yourself than to hang out with children. We were writing on each other's shirts and one girl did this  

She had no idea that she was tracing her hand, in pink, over that same spot.  I was touched. 

Welcome Back!

The last time I was here, I was enjoying the last of my month abroad in France.  So much has happened since then that has brought me so much joy, the greatest of which are these two - 

I left teaching to spend time raising these two amazing children.  I returned to work in education and finally ended up at a wonderful school teaching kindergarten.  Everything has fallen into place... Matt got the job he's always wanted and I got the job I've always wanted and worked so many years for. 

  

While many people suffered through the pandemic, we managed to buy a new home, which brought new schools and a great, new neighborhood, and the exciting opportunity to live with grandma and grandpa! Even my grandmother lives with us, four generations under one roof! 

Some other great accomplishments of 2020 are earning my first degree black belt in taekwondo and earning my Master of Education from Arizona State University. 

Everything has been amazing.  Life has been amazing.  And then...