Why Can't I?

My son and I were practicing Somewhere Over the Rainbow this evening and he played the ending a little too fast, so I sang it out slowly for him...

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Those words lingered in my ears as I went to take a shower. I felt an overwhelming sadness and frustration and I cried. I told Matt this evening that I'm not even hopeful about the surgery because I just feel a sense of hopelessness with time, especially when the neurologist tells me that the next year or two will be the most challenging for me as they try and figure out how to get me into remission. So I've resigned myself to just feeling utterly (fill in the blank --- frustrated, angry, sad, lonely, weak, scared ---) all of the time. 

Sure, I still have hope in life. Yes, I still find love and joy in each day.  But deep down inside, in those parts that we don't like to hang out on the clothesline for everyone to stare at all day because it makes them feel uncomfortable, down there I will be aching and crying for something good, pleading for help and answers and cures... like I am right now.