A Just Balance

I was encouraged today to read Proverbs 16:18, which reminds us to avoid being prideful because it leads to destruction. While I was there, I read the whole chapter and this verse spoke to me - 

“A just balance and scales belong to the Lord; All the weights of the bag are His concern.” 

Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭11‬ 

You see, today I had the privilege of visiting my grandmother. We went for a walk on such a beautiful day. We walked through a cemetery and you can’t help but reflect on life and death, especially with everything that’s gone on. Please bear with me with a gentle heart as I recount to you my feelings…

While we were never really close when I was growing up, I love my grandmother and cherish our time together. But ever since my diagnosis, my feelings toward her have warped a little. I have felt bitterness and anger in my heart, because I dared to believe that I’m so young and she’s so old, and why has God not spared me this horrible and frustrating cancer journey, and she lives with dementia, enjoying each day as if it is brand new again without a care in the world. Why does she get to live a long, peaceful life and I have to suffer the fear of dying and leaving my family behind, especially my children. My heart breaks when I think about the fear of recurrence and all the pitfalls that might be ahead of me, and yet she lives to the ripe old age of 92 without worry or consequence. The unfairness. And then came Proverbs 16:11, jumping off the page and smacking me silly. Who am I to judge how long she should live? Or me? The weights of that scale are not in my hand…and thank God they are not. I would be cruel and unfair, I see. And even though that’s how I feel I’m being treated, I know it’s not true. We are two different people with different purposes on this Earth. I am sad that she no longer remembers things, I wouldn’t want that for myself. So instead I have a different journey, and I have to accept that. 

Thank you Lord for humbling me, for reminding me that you are the divine king who does not err in judgment. Continue to work on this selfish heart, fill it to overflowing with love, especially for my grandmother.