Too Little, Too Much

I thought that gastroparesis was a curse for me, but it turned out in many ways to be a blessing for me. It was a “cure” for my gluttony and binge eating, if you could call it a cure, because it forced me not to eat too much. I just couldn’t fit it, the food would feel terrible. I’m not saying that’s a better way to live, but it was a shift from a lifetime of overeating. I lost weight, a significant amount of weight. It was getting scary, but then I stabilized. The domperidone helped me process my food and I was able to eat three small meals a day. I felt comfortable. I felt happier in my body than I had felt in a long time. 

And then came the myasthenia gravis and the prednisone. The prednisone that is supposed to be helping my eyes, instead it’s growing my appetite. I have been on a binger the past several days on this 60 mg dose and it makes me feel terrible all over again. All the progress, all the weight loss, the mindset shift, down the tubes. My stomach can’t get enough food, it’s like a bottomless pit again, and it’s not helping me in any way except creeping my weight back up on a daily basis. And now it’s scary all over again. 

I’m tired of the pendulum swinging so hard and fast back and forth. Can’t I just have a solid rest somewhere in the middle of these extremes where I can be happy with my body, eat the right amount of food, and stay healthy inside and out going forward? Is that too much to ask? I need to get away from this medicine…but I still need it to work already. Pure frustration. 

This is too much…