Scan Day

I’m so tired and sad from chemo. I’m tired of being hungry, of losing weight, of wanting to eat. I’m tired of looking at my pallid and thin face, lacking life and vitality…I can’t hold back the tears today. 

But it’s a big day. Today is mammogram/ultrasound day. This will determine if all of this has been working and worth the struggle, if the lumps have shrunken, and if I’m still a candidate for a lumpectomy. I’m praying hard in the midst of my pain and tears. 

It’s not lost on me that it’s breast cancer awareness month. There are pink balloons and decorations everywhere at the radiology center. I even got chocolate. Believe me, I am so very aware that breast cancer exists. It’s so very real to me more than I ever imagined it would be.

I began with the mammogram, the usual top and side views. No pain, no issues. I managed to hold my weak body up long enough to get through it. Then I waited for the doctor to review the scans. The tech returned, the doctor wanted more scans, deeper images. Fear and loathing. I managed to stand for two more tight scans (every woman who has ever had a mammogram is literally feeling the compression). 

Finally I had the ultrasound. It’s never comfortable having a jellied wand smashed into your breast, but it was worth the trouble. The doctor came to deliver the results and it appears the chemo has been working! The larger tumor shrunk by a few millimeters and the smaller one has nearly disappeared! This is a blessing and has given this struggle a purpose! But he was also concerned about a new area of calcification. I left the office with mixed emotions, of course, because I was just praying for good news, not good news and weird news. The radiologist is recommending another MRI to get a better look at the new calcification. 

Fast forward to my afternoon appointment with the oncologist. Despite the weight loss again and the frustrating side effects, the doctor was very pleased with my blood counts and said I’m still doing really well. He was also delighted to hear the sonogram results, evidence that the medicines are working. I see the breast surgeon on Wednesday to talk about my surgical options and another potential MRI. 

In the meantime I am continuing to try and nourish myself as much as possible. The taste buds are dead but my desire to eat is alive and well. 

Garbage Day

As in the day I feel like garbage. Based on previous times, I knew this would be my worst day, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better or make it any easier. 

I have been in bed all day, fasting and resting. The fever and aches I felt last night, on top of this stupid sinus infection, make me feel miserable. Truly miserable. 

But I’m also glad that this is a one-sided experience. Today both of the children had a friend over to hang out and relax, and I could hear them laughing and enjoying themselves. That brought peace to my heart, knowing they are relishing the pleasures of childhood and not thinking about me and what I’m going through. I have always been transparent with them and shared everything I’m going through but I also wanted them to come out of this experience relatively unscathed and having grown just a little bit wiser and more appreciative of life. 

So here’s to a garbage-feeling day wrapped in children’s laughs and smiles.

Time Given to Me

I’m frustrated that a week later I’m still trying to kick this mucus out of me. Now the Claritin I take for the Neulasta shot is drying the mucus in place making it harder to get rid of it and breathe with ease. 

But I digress. I’m weak and tired, hungry but can’t eat…this is the cycle, I have to just accept these days. 

I decided to go for a walk to get some vitamin D and fresh air. These kind gentlemen were my walking companions.

 

It was lovely to see the changing colors of the leaves, especially since I have been home bound for days. 

The walk took so much out of me, I was exhausted when I returned home. I just sat for a long time, tried to eat a tiny bowl of soup, and worked on a new puzzle with my mom.

Finally this evening we watched the original Lord of the Rings movie. This conversation has never rung more true for me; I have only to decide what to do with the time that has been given to me.

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides that of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Happy Anniversary

Today should’ve been a day of celebration instead of pain and suffering. It’s our anniversary, 20 beautiful years together! 

I couldn’t have imagined how amazing my life would be when I married Matt, but it’s been far beyond my dreams. We have been able to create together such a wonderful life, with two beautiful children. He’s been my soulmate and best friend, and we complement each other like two puzzle pieces meant to go together. 

I also couldn’t have imagined that we’d being going through this battle together. Cancer has never touched my immediate family so my diagnosis was shocking and terrifying. I have been the luckiest girl on earth to have been given this incredibly blessed life, and to have it feel like it was being stripped from me was heartbreaking. But we press on, and test our faith in God like Gideon, throwing out the fleece for answers, and we hold on to God, like Jacob, praying for a blessing and never letting go!

“Then Gideon said to him, “O my Lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about…”Judges‬ ‭6:13‬

“Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was dislocated while he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” But he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”” Genesis‬ ‭32:24-26‬

We will find another time to celebrate, when we can put this part of the process behind us. Happy Anniversary my love. Here’s to many, many more! 

Post-Infusion #5

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. The steroid had me up from 5 am, but I just couldn’t get myself out of bed until after 10 am! I was tired, very tired. I insisted that I would try to move today in the hopes that it would help me feel better. I decided to make a to do list. 

Best laid plans. I didn’t cross anything off the list. Instead I drank a protein drink and tried to watch tv but nothing could distract me enough from the aching stomach and fatigue. So I took a short nap. 

By then Dean arrived home early from school and I made a protein shake for us. That was my lunch. I worked on the puzzle with my mom and then it was time for my Neulasta shot so I walked to the doctor’s office. The fresh air felt good and the walk was helpful. But I was spent once I returned home. I made dinner for the kids and returned to the sofa, this time with some yogurt. It was just meh. 

Later I heated up some soup, which was also just meh. My taste buds have already turned and eating food has once again become a chore, something I would never have said, ever in my whole life. Everyone says this is a temporary condition, but if you’ve ever had a long-suffering pain (and I know some of you have), you know what a mind-screw it is, like you’re being crushed by a vice and no amount of “temporary condition” could help you feel better. You just keep suffering in that moment.

While I was finally able to cross one thing off my list, I also added in some movement before my shower - 20 squats, 20 push-ups, and 20 sit-ups. I chose 20 for a special reason…

Now I’m thoroughly exhausted and off to la-la-land… 

Five Down! One To Go!

I finally made it to number 5! I can’t imagine doing this long term, it’s exhausting. 

Dressed in my chemo uniform (notice the pink ribbons headband from the dollar store in honor of breast cancer awareness in October - be sure to do your research on “pinkwashing” and donate money with caution).

I tried to eat breakfast and already it tasted disgusting. I’m not sure if it was the steroid (which kept me up from 3-5 am) but it already shifted my brain into you-can’t-eat mode. 

Cold cap number 5.

All hooked up.

Like an icicle, I have my frozen gloves and booties.

My mom kept me company, and then left to get my aunt. She kept me company but I was a terrible hostess, the IV Benadryl knocked me out this time, I took several naps. 

By the time I got home I was half tired, half energized. Enough to make some tofu veggie soup, change the sheets and make my bed. I even practiced piano several times. It was time to take Dean to ballet class, but driving under the influence of a sedative is a no-no, so my mom drove and it was a girls night for dinner (hubby showed up later). The food tasted terrible! It just breaks my spirit to want to eat and cannot. We went for ice cream after, which wasn’t too bad, so I think I’ll resort to ice cream for the next two weeks! Considering last time I lost 7 pounds in a week but only regained back 3 pounds over the three weeks, even after the fishy binge eating, this next weight loss will be more painful and have a greater weakening effect. I will need to fight through the fatigue and exercise in order to build some muscle too, so I can stay strong and help metabolize these chemicals. 

My two special ladies, who take such good care of me!

Thank you for your continued prayers, they truly help me get through these bad moments and press on. They also help me find joy in each day, even when I’m struggling. Thank you for thinking of me, I’m humbled. 

 

Steam, Tissues, and Fish

Somehow I managed to catch a head cold by Thursday of last week. This kept me home Friday and Monday from work because I had so much mucus and was coughing a lot. The last thing I needed was to feel sick the day of my treatment! This is where the steam helps to warm up the sinuses and get the mucus out. I also went through a couple of boxes of tissues! 

I also had a terrific craving for fish for many days. Wednesday was tuna with salad à la Salad Niçoise. Thursday was tuna and avocado sushi. Friday was a whole red snapper. Sunday was grilled salmon, blackened barramundi, and tuna steak (on a delightful date with the best stepdad in the world!). And today was another platter of salmon and tuna sushi. I can’t explain the craving except that some foods still don’t taste right, even 3 weeks after my treatment, but fish seems to hit the spot in my mouth, my stomach, and beyond, so I have to go with the flow and nourish myself any way that I can. Here’s a feast for the eyes - 

I know what’s coming tomorrow. I tried to put it out of my mind today because the last treatment left me sad, weary, hungry, exhausted, achy, did I mention hungry? I don’t want to feel terrible again but I know it’s going to happen. So tonight I’ll get as much rest as the steroid will allow, and hopefully have sweet pre-chemo dreams. Perhaps I’ll dream of fish…

Puzzling

With the cold weather comes puzzle season. My mom and I love to puzzle in the fall and winter. Even though Matt makes fun of us because we all know what the puzzle will look like when it’s finished, it’s the challenge of finding all of the right pieces, putting them together, and having the satisfaction of finishing the task. I know there’s a metaphor in there for life…especially the one I’m living right now. I find it puzzling sometimes and I want to find the right pieces and put it all back together, but this one is much harder. I wish I had the big picture in front of me to look at and know where everything is supposed to go and how I’m supposed to live. That’s not how life works, unfortunately, and so I’ll have to try and put the pieces back together someway, somehow, and hope I get it right. 

Shake It Off

I needed to stay home today. I woke up congested with a small cold. That’s not good considering my treatment is on Tuesday, so I briefly went into work and came back home to rest and recover. I still don’t feel great but I’m hoping I can shake it off this weekend. I need to get well before I’m really not well again! 

At least I got some pet therapy from Mungo today. 

Reflection on Aging

This beautiful young woman is my grandmother more than 75 years ago. 

Unfortunately she does not remember taking this photo in her youth. Neither does she remember yesterday or even thirty minutes ago. It’s difficult to talk about her dementia because on the one hand it can be quite humorous, and on the other hand it can be incredibly sad and frustrating. 

For the past year and a half, my grandmother has lived in my house and my mother has cared for her on a daily basis. Being diagnosed with breast cancer has put undue stress on an already stressful situation of caretaking. I know how much my mother loves her mother, but I also know how much she loves me and wants to take care of me, too. 

So we made the difficult decision to move my grandmother to a nursing home where she will get the consistent care and medical attention she needs to get her through these foggy days. The transition is not without growing pains and takes some adjustment. But I also know that I will now have my mother selfishly to myself when I need her the most through these dark days ahead of me. It’s an awkward position to be in, to have to share her, and a stressful one for her to be sandwiched in this way. 

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the holiest day in Judaism, and a day of reflection, repentance, and atonement. This is the day we brought my grandmother to the home, and I can’t help but reflect on the decision and repent for my own selfish desires. I know that God knows my needs right now and hears my prayers. I also know that He wants to take care of my mother’s health and well-being. I also know that God will continue to care for my grandmother as she nears 92 years old, and give us all the peace we need to live these days He’s given to us. Let it be so. 

Getting It All In

I’ve spent the past few days trying to get it all in. Going to work, eating lots of food, playing piano, reading, and practicing taekwondo. I’ve really been doing as much as I can because I know what next week will be…another week on the sofa, suffering through the hunger, aches, and pains. So I’m tired in another way, the way you get tired from being super busy, that’s the tired I feel tonight. But it’s nice to have done so much, to feel that sense of accomplishment. I’m only pushing myself because I know I can. Next week will be another story.

I also had my echocardiogram today. I don’t have any results but from what I saw and heard, my heart is still healthy and full of love.

Treading Water

On Sunday I had the privilege of attending my first water polo match - Princeton versus Harvard. I had only ever watched it on tv in the summer Olympics so this was very exciting for me. What fascinates me is how the players are treading water the whole time, swimming back and forth from goal to goal. I was exhausted just watching them. 

It’s not far off from my cancer experience…treading water, swimming from goal to goal. I was back at work again today and I felt great. Tonight I ate not one, but two bowls of salad and a bowl of delicious homemade soup. I was enjoying feeling normal, eating foods and tasting them. But then I remembered that in a week I will hit that reset button again and I’m back treading water. I know it’s just two more times, but it’s still hard. My eyes have been twitching consistently each day and I wonder, is this a long term side effect? It’s not just two more times, it’s my whole life, living under the dark shadow of cancer, afraid it’ll rear its ugly head again…that’s the reality, and sometimes that can be exhausting.

Im swimming towards the goal of healing, but I’m also thinking about other goals, life goals. Please pray that I make these shots. I want to win. 

Take it Easy

All the energy I felt for days began to dissipate and by Friday afternoon I was feeling real hunger pains, like a real grumbling tummy, so I went to the supermarket and got myself a proper lunch - pasta primavera and Caesar salad. 

I was super full afterwards but the joy was short lived. By the evening I had visited the bathroom at least four times! It was not pleasant at all! I think I rushed it and my digestive system let me know as much. 

So I took it easy today with a bowl of oatmeal (which tasted terrible). Then I got a fresh haircut - thank you Theresa! 

Afterwards I got kisses from an adorable dog!

And finally I got to hang out with my best girls at a diner where I was able to eat a bowl of soup! Spending time with my girls is the best medicine! Love you both!

Overall, it was a “Laurie, take it easy, don’t eat too much and hurt yourself again” kind of day.