Warrior Spirit

I have been living these healthy days to the max, just like the last time - working on my classroom, lunch dates with Matt and my mom, and of course, taekwondo training. On Tuesday I was able to prove that I was ready for testing, and tonight I tested for my next stripe. I’m one step closer to earning my second degree black belt, which will be the test of the century when I get there, but this warrior spirit inside of me pushes me to do better, to be better. I succeeded tonight, and as I approach my third treatment next week, with some fear and trepidation of the side effects again, deep down I know I can make it, I can fight through. I’m a lot stronger than I look. 

Cancer Card

Now don’t be jealous, but I have a Cancer Card. And yes, I plan on using it! It’s sort of like an Amex Black Card, it’s invitation only, and my credit is unlimited. Be glad you didn’t get the invite. 

Insurance

Let’s talk numbers. How could a person without insurance survive cancer? I honestly don’t know, but I’ve read horror stories of people losing their jobs and houses because the cost of cancer treatment is astronomic, yes, larger than space itself. One visit for treatment is almost $35,000! Now multiply by six. That’s over $200,000. That doesn’t include the heart scans ($2,000) or the port installation ($13,000). Not to mention the surgery ($?????)! We could have a much larger conversation about the American health care system, or about private insurance and jobs in America, or about the many inequities, but we would be here forever. 

My only takeaway right now is my immense level of gratitude for very good health insurance, for without it, I’m sure my pain would be doubled and tripled by the heartache of medical bills on top of cancer. 

Cry Me a River

I was sitting peacefully at my desk writing some letters. I put on some meditation music and settled in. I wondered something but I couldn’t quite jog my memory about it so I got on my phone and started perusing LinkedIn for some clues into what my mind was looking for…that’s when I stumbled upon a post by a mother who lost her four year old son to cancer. She recounted her last moments with him, holding him and singing to him, and before I could even finish the story, my eyes started gushing a river of tears. I was slumped over my desk heaving and attempting to dry my eyes. It was like the floodgates had been opened and I couldn’t hold back the water from rushing out of me. 

I haven’t cried in, well, I lost track of how many days. But I’ve always told Matt, never hold it in, let it out so the pain doesn’t torment your body. So I cried, and cried, and cried. I cried about cancer, I cried about food, I cried about being able to still hug my children, I cried about work, I cried about my hair, I cried about so many things, and I realized I needed it so badly. 

Don’t hold in that cry, for fear of embarrassment, and don’t tell yourself you don’t really need it, because you do, trust me. 

The New Do, Part 2

If you had asked me a month ago if would cut my hair very short, I would have said no. But necessity is not only the mother of invention but also the hand that forces a move. I am glad that I did it in stages. I couldn’t dive into the deep end right away. While I’m so grateful to still have most of my hair (the oncologist said clearly the cold cap is working), it was shedding a lot and I needed it to be shorter to better manage it. 

So off for another chop! Thank you Theresa for all of your hard work! This was a tough one!

This is the shortest I’ve ever had it, and frankly I don’t recognize myself. Leave it to cancer to force me to change and reevaluate myself all over again. Who am I? What do people see? How do I present myself? Is this really me? Yes, I’m the same person, at least I think I am, I just look different, and look at the world a little differently too. 

Hair today, gone tomorrow

I know, this isn’t just about hair. And anyone who is not going through cancer will be quick to say “don’t worry, it’ll grow back” (by the way, please don’t say that to someone). 

It’s about looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing myself. Seeing my sunken eyes and receding hairline. Floating through the day hungry and tired, willing myself to be normal but wanting to scream and cry instead. 

I get mad. I get sad. Sometimes it’s about food (lately it’s been about food) and sometimes it’s about my hair. And I’m allowed. 

So thanks for letting me vent, because sometimes writing is like screaming and crying into the abyss and helps me feel (just a little) better. 

A Day of Rest

Saturday has always been my favorite day of the week, a day of rest like no other. Today was my chemo sabbath, my day of rest apart from everything. I see the pattern emerging, today is my low day, when I feel my worst. 

And so I’m called to rest.  

I hope you found rest too. 

And Many More…

I could groan on about the reflux, the constipation, the food aversions, and the mind-bending fatigue. But today was about celebrating Matt. This is why I do this, to be with these people for as long as possible. I love them with my whole heart and I want to spend as many birthdays together as possible! 

Happy Birthday my love! And to many, many more! (sorry it wasn’t without drama)! 

Food Fight

I started out the day with some stomach cramps (thankfully I managed to sleep most of the night, but only on my left side). I ate a hearty breakfast with toast and an egg, and later I drank a cold-pressed beet juice. But the stomach pains did not subside. I made a delicious lunch of arroz con habichuelas, at least it looked delicious, but it tasted like nothing. I’m sad that my taste buds have already betrayed me so soon after treatment. 

I was dead tired again, so I took a nap with my trusty sleeping cap, which my mom says reminds her of Little House on the Prairie. I can see the resemblance! 

My family was able to eat a delicious meal from Tacoria (thank you my friend!) while I nibbled on bread again (sad hungry face emoji). Food is a source of deep emotion for me, so not being able to eat and enjoy my food feels like a divorce from myself, so foreign and unhappy. But until I get this reflux under control, food is my enemy right now. I can only work to nourish my body and continue to rest and heal. 

Post-Infusion #2

Based on how I felt last time, I thought today I would feel ok, and for the most part I did. I had a whirlwind of a date day with my amazing husband Matt. We hit every stop today - first to Whole Earth to buy new grocery bags, then to Barbour to buy him a new jacket for his birthday. Next we hit up one of my favorite places - the Somerset County 4H Fair! I love visiting with the animals!

And he loves the funnel cake!

Then we had Thai for lunch at our favorite restaurant in Somerville (I could only eat a small amount of it, unfortunately). Afterwards we hit up a couple of bike shops to find him a new bike. 

Finally I made it to my appointment for my Neulasta shot (and got a sweet treat from my dear friend - thank you for catching me and blessing me)!

It was a lot of activity today and it was a beautiful day, but I’m definitely wiped. I started to feel my first bout of symptoms. My stomach started to hurt, but not nausea, just stomach cramping. So I took a quick nap on the sofa and had a simple dinner of Vitamin Water and bread!

All in all, I had a wonderful day and so happy to spend it with Matt. Now it’s time to rest, rest, rest!

Two Down! Four to Go!

Today was infusion #2, or as Jenn says, I'm a third of the way done! Woo hoo!  I started with an early day; for some reason I woke up at 5am, yuck! But it gave me the opportunity to write some letters to people I care about so that was an added benefit. (yes, you heard that correctly, I think letter writing is a lost art and should be brought back!)

I got dressed in my port-friendly outfit and had a hearty breakfast. I took my steroid and applied my lidocaine over the port. Then it was the usual business of dragging all of my "luggage" to the office. Bloodwork done. Check. Visit with the oncologist. Check check.  And off to my room for capping. This time I got the sunny window room!

Me and Coco chilling...brrrrr!

Stick 'em up!

Remember to think happy! 

Once I was capped, I got the pre-meds (Benadryl, anti-nausea, Pepcid, anti-diarrhea cocktail).  The Benadryl hit me hard this time around.  I was very tired.  So tired in fact, I fell asleep on one of my guests (thanks for keeping me company Ed!).

It was a much shorter infusion, so I was home by 2pm, had a bowl of delicious pumpkin soup and went right to sleep!  So so tired this time around. I set an alarm so I didn't sleep through dinner time! (The sleeping cap is to protect my fragile hair since I’ve been shedding a lot - crying face emoji!).

Dinner was a delicious bowl of chicken, rice, and spinach soup.  Then we went for a walk.  I didn't notice the heart rate fluctuations that happened last time.  I wonder if it's because I've been working out and trying to get stronger.  Either way, it was a nice experience (except for the heat and humidity, ugh!).

And finally, I ended the night with another workout of weight lifting. Building up my guns to fight this cancer! 

Overall, I couldn't have asked for a better day, I even got a rainbow today! I hope the days to come will be just as good if not better.  Fingers crossed! Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, my heart is strong and open to receive your love and care! 

Packing my Blessings

Tomorrow is infusion #2 and I’ve had mixed emotions of course. The sitting there seems like no big deal now. It’s the after - how will I feel? Will it be like last time? Will I feel worse? How long will it take to get better again? Will all of my hair fall out this time? 

I packed my bags for the trip that no one would buy tickets for - my ice pack bag, my DigniCap bag, and my blanket/snacks bag. 

This is no ordinary blanket. I have a beautiful family member who lives over 1400 miles away, she made me this blanket, and also blessed it in church. My heart is overwhelmed with her generosity, love, and care! Tomorrow when I cover myself with this blanket to keep warm, I will feel her prayers of peace and comfort and know how very loved I am! Thank you so much! I love you too! And I look forward to one day being well enough to hug you in person and thank you again! 

Family Time

I’ve been radio silent because I’ve been on vacation with the family. It’s the only vacation the children have had this summer so I wanted to make sure we went somewhere while I felt healthy enough to go. 

We visited Legoland and had an amazing time! We went on every ride and ate ice cream for lunch! The kids said it was the best vacation ever and I couldn’t be happier that we were able to make these awesome memories. Things will get harder for me (and for them too), but for a moment we didn’t talk about cancer or have to deal with it, we just had fun and that made my heart so happy I could cry.