The New Do

I met Theresa about 20 years ago. She cut my hair before I married Matt and she and I have been friends ever since. She knows my hair like no one else and has seen every iteration of long, short, and in between.  She knows that the left side and front grow faster than the back, and that my hair gets really frizzy in humid weather. Theresa, a professional colorist, also knew that I would not dye my hair and she loves my grays.  I was growing my hair out and she gave me the most amazing layers at my last visit. 

But today’s visit was about preparing for the future, getting a practical cut that’s easier to manage, especially if it starts to fall out (crying eyes emoji). 

So thank you Theresa, as usual, for making me beautiful! Love you!

Portable

I survived another super tough day. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30 for all of the preparation, checking vitals, etc. I hemmed and hawed for almost two hours about whether or not to accept the sedative. Never having drank alcohol, all of their comparisons fell short (you’ll feel like you drank two beers or a glass of wine). I’ve never liked mind/body altering substances so I struggled with taking something or dealing with the fear and anxiety of this unknown procedure. 

Here’s the before - prepped and ready for the surgery. 

I had an excellent care team. They really tried to put me at ease. I was wheeled into the operating room and put on the table. I was delighted when the music I requested was playing in the background (Justin Bieber!). I thought I could do it on my own, but they helped me out. Because I’m considered “naive” and haven’t ever taken opioids, they gave me baby doses to take the edge off. After the lidocaine came the cuts, the stuffing, and the stitching. My heart rate definitely shot up a couple of times, but I made it through with some jokes and laughs. 

Now I am portable and recovering at home. No heavy lifting, gentle movements and lots of rest. 

Thank you for your prayers, for helping me get through this super tough day!  It was a hard step for me but something I had to go through. I’m so glad it’s over. 

Burnout

Early morning start for my PET scan. I felt very brave, at first. In case you’ve never had a PET scan, let me give you a quick rundown because it was all new to me. 

First the lovely technician took a finger prick to test my blood sugar (103, woohoo!), then he started an IV of saline. I could already feel myself needing to go to the bathroom. Then he returned to add the radioactive glucose into the IV.  Next he settled me into a tiny dark room with two recliners. He put a blanket on me and left me to sleep. I’m not good at sleeping upright but I tried. It was like sleeping in first class on a redeye to London, just without the food service.  Finally I heard him bringing in a new patient.  He set her up on the flight to nowhere, and now it was my turn to get scanned. 

This whole time I was feeling fine, because I've done scans before, and I made it through each one just fine, so I figured, no big deal.  Once the scan began, I closed my eyes and tried to stay calm. The long bed slides you in and out, and frankly I no longer felt like cookies on a tray, but more like a sick dog in the bottom of a boat. With my eyes closed, I could feel myself getting motion sick, but with my eyes open, I could see the tunnel around me.  I started to panic and then panic about panicking, which puts you in a panic loop and that's a challenge to get out of.  I tensed up my thighs (an old fighter pilot trick to keep the blood flowing to the brain) and stayed that way for almost 20 minutes. I gave myself the pep talk of the century and prayed I didn't freak out or move unexpectedly. By the end, I was exhausted and ready to cry from keeping it together so long. 

You can tell, there's no smize (smiling in the eyes). 

I was wiped after and reminded of just how fragile I am and how everything won't be easy, but I still have to do it.  I'm scared because I suspect tomorrow will be even harder, but I have to do it. So I'm gonna go and cry and nap and get over it, and when you hear from me next, I'll have my port in. Please pray for me. 

By the way, I'm radioactive for the rest of the day, no relation to Peter Parker.

Prep Day

This is what getting poked and prodded in your nose and your mouth looks like - tears in your eyes and clean teeth! Covid test, dentist visit - check, check. 

I also had to eat low/no carb and no sugar in preparation for my PET scan tomorrow. I don't know how you keto people do it, but I miss bread, rice, and pasta (sad eyes emoji)!  It's also more of a challenge as a vegetarian, but it's only a day, I can do it.  I've been finding I can do lots of things lately that I couldn't do before.  Now if only I could de-stress with a piece of chocolate (praying hands emoji)!

Thank you for being a friend

If you read the blog title and heard the theme song from the Golden Girls in your head, then I've done my job.  That's what these girls are to me - golden. We've been friends for so long (30 years and 26 years)! We would drive to the ends of the earth to be there for each other and help each other, and that's what they've done for me.  

Lisa See writes in The Island of Sea Women, "No one picks a friend for us; we come together by choice...we tie ourselves together through moments. The spark when we first meet. Laughter and tears shared. Secrets packed away to be treasured, hoarded, and protected. The wonder that someone can be so different from you and yet still understand your heart in a way no one else ever will."

Thank you for the group chat, for listening, for coming to see me and taking care of me, thank you for the love, the laughs, the encouragement... for being a true friend.  I don't have the words to tell you how much you mean to me. I can only say, I love you girls! 

Emotional Support

The weekends are always great to rest and recenter for the week ahead. This week will be a doozy, lots happening, and it will be helpful to have some emotional support. Nothing says comfort like a stuffed bear your daughter picks out for you. 

This week I have a Covid test, a dentist appointment, a PET scan, a port installation, and a haircut. Some of the things on this list scare me, but I’ll have to be brave, with my emotional support bear (and all of you) by my side. 

Dedication

Did my cancer come from living in New Jersey my whole life?

Did my cancer come from being a vegan for 20 years?

Did it come from never, ever smoking?

Did it come from never, ever drinking alcohol?

Did it come from drinking only water, tea and the occasional coffee my whole adult life?

Did it come from years of using natural deodorant?

Did it come from my thirteen years of ballet and six years of intense taekwondo workouts?

Did it come from going to bed on time and getting restful sleep?

Did the cancer come from working in offices and classrooms the past twenty years?

Did it come from the twenty years I’ve been happily married?

Did it come from having a natural childbirth of two beautiful, amazing children?

Did the breast cancer come from nursing both of those children for at least a year?

Did it come from using natural cleaning products around my home?

Did it come from the homemade soap I’ve been using for about 15 years? 

Did it come from never wearing makeup?

Did it come from never dying my hair?

You don’t know where my cancer came from so please don’t send me articles and lists of all the ways people can get cancer. And definitely don’t send me all the ways I can cure it with a healthy lifestyle. You are using this information as a protective shield, to make yourself feel better, so that you don’t get cancer. I get it, cancer is scary, and I pray it never happens to you. But when it comes to my cancer, please don’t. Just send love.

Thank you. 

All Clear

Some great news!  The right breast biopsy results came back perfectly normal, no cancer!  How great to not have to wait the weekend to find out.  I called my breast specialist (on her cell phone, and she answered) and she explained the results to me.  She also said my case was presented at the breast conference this morning at the hospital and all of the top doctors in attendance (about 20) concurred with the plan moving forward.  Next Thursday I get the port installed.  And then it begins.  

Time to start growing...

On the right

Today I had another biopsy, this time on the right. The ultrasound on Tuesday showed a small 8mm spot, which normally they could overlook if it wasn’t for the cancer on the left. It all came full circle when I realized the doctor who recommended the first biopsy was going to do this one. 

Last time, I was so scared, I could barely keep it together. I wasn’t even thinking of the outcome, I was just so scared of the procedure. This time I wasn’t scared. I knew what to expect, the needles, the vacuum, the clip, the mammogram. But this time I was thinking of the outcome, hoping that it’s nothing, really hoping that it’s nothing.

The PET scan is postponed until I can get approval, so next steps are my port installation next Thursday. I have a week to prep my mind for the tough stuff to come. The prayers have kept me calm and focused, I’m so grateful for that. Thank you!

Second Opinions

Ever since I was diagnosed, many people told me I needed to get a second opinion.  They said, "go to Memorial Sloan Kettering, they're the best in the world." Well, I tried.  For weeks.  I won't get into too much detail, but let's just say I left a scathing review on their survey.  They may have great doctors, but if you cannot get a hold of them, and the communication is so poor, what's the point?  I digress.  I finally spoke with a doctor today (over an hour after the scheduled appointment time), and it only confirmed for me that I'm on the right track and that my care team is AMAZING!  I'm so grateful for how the oncologist, breast surgeon, and thoracic surgeon have all teamed up with the radiologists, nurses and pre-cert departments to create a wonderfully smooth experience for me in the midst of such a terrible diagnosis.  I wish this level of care and treatment for everyone, truly.  

Here I am, prepping for my PET scan.

2 for the price of 1

Who doesn't love a good BOGO sale - you buy one, you get one.  Well, how lucky am I that along with my breast cancer, I also get a thymoma.  Yes, you heard right.  Actually, if it wasn't for the breast cancer, I may not have even known about this nearly 5 cm mass growing behind my breast bone, but thanks to all of these scans, it was discovered.  That's how lots of people find it, by chance, scanning for other unrelated reasons. 

So what does this mean? Well, it means I’ll need surgery to remove it. It’s likely (hopefully) a benign tumor on my thymus. It means cutting my chest open and cutting it out of me. (Yikes!) But the priority right now is treating the far more life threatening breast cancer. I should begin treatments as soon as possible, and then later when I cross the threshold into breast surgery, I can potentially have both surgeries done at once. 

Two for the price of one! (That's probably not how the hospital will charge me though!)

This is the blue gown from my ultrasound today.  There may potentially be one small (8 mm) spot on the right breast, but without a biopsy, we won't know for sure if it's part of the cancer clan.  I believe a consult is in order to determine next steps.  

The Days of Yore

Today marks three weeks before I found out about my breast cancer.  Three weeks ago I was blissfully unaware of what was happening inside of me. Three weeks ago I was making summer plans (for the summer of Laurie) and thinking about all of the amazing things I would do in my classroom next year.  Three weeks ago I was having breakfast with my best friend and food shopping for the week ahead.  I had no idea what was headed my way, and I can't help but think about people who lose someone suddenly in an accident.  Suddenly their lives are completely altered for the worst with no way to change it. Three weeks ago, I had no idea how my life would be completely changed. But I press on, not thinking about the future and every potential thing that could happen. I want to be blissfully unaware again, and enjoy each moment, be happy (or sad) in each moment... and enjoying having breakfast without knowing what will happen tomorrow. 

Positive Vibes

A lot of people want to know how they can help, and to be honest, I'm not even sure.  Sometimes it might be some funny memes sent my way, or maybe a meal.  Could even be a shoulder to cry on (although I've been crying a lot less these days). More than anything, I think it might just be sticking to keeping things as normal as possible.  

Then I came across this article this morning and it really hit home.  Take a look at some of the ways you could help me (or anyone else struggling through cancer or other major illness) -

5 Things Cancer Survivors Want You to Know

In the meantime, remember, positive vibes only.